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Two of Clubs

I had one of those “jerk awake” moments just as I was falling asleep last night. In that moment, I was dreaming that I was walking down some porch steps and I stumbled. I was going to fall, and that’s when I jerked awake. I know where the porch part comes from. I’m supposed to be getting a new front porch built this week. The old porch was demolished about a month ago and since then I have been climbing up to my front door on makeshift steps that feel like each time you step on them could be the last. So my porch has been on my mind. I’m not sure where the stumbling and falling part came from. Perhaps because of what I’m stepping on now? Those step’s days are surely numbered.

Or perhaps I just feel like I’m stumbling through life at the moment. I’m out of sync. I’m spinning my wheels. I feel like everything is harder than it should be. I know it’s temporary and I will get through it, but I don’t like feeling stuck. I feel stuck in quicksand.

Right before the beginning of the year, a friend I met in my Creative Writing class read my cards. Not Tarot cards, a deck of cards. I’m a Two of Clubs. I’m skeptical about these things, but I’m also open, and the fact that I was nervous is evidence that there is some belief in something beyond what I can see or touch. I didn’t want to hear anything bad about my future. I told her that. She said it didn’t work that way, so I scheduled a reading. Because she had gotten to know me pretty well, she wanted to do it over the phone because she did not want to see my facial expressions while she asked me questions. She said I am one who gives everything away with my eyes.

I continue to remind myself of the things she told me. I wrote everything down. She said 2012 wasn’t going to be a bad year, but it was going to be year of preparedness and completion and that working through things isn’t easy. She said it would be a year to release everything that has been holding me back. She told me I shouldn’t resist. She said I would be entering a new way to be myself and that I should hunker down, plug away and focus on goals. She said I needed to fight negative thoughts, help people and be content. She also said it was the year to discover and love myself so that I would be prepared for 2013, which is going to be “my year.”

I’m not really sure what all that means or if I really believe it all, but I’ll take it, especially as I grab ahold of the grass, pull myself out of the quicksand, and try to stop resisting.

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